Uhm... is anyone there?

Well, I'll just begin, I guess.

My name is... Null. Yeah, quite a funny name, haha. It breaks a lot of computers.

Jokes aside, there's something I just really want to - really need to talk about.

I just turned 19 a few months ago. Though I'm not that young, I'm pretty unimpressive compared to most people.

I like making music and writing, but I'm not good at them at all. I also have this website that I hope someone would see.

If anyone is reading this right now, please, help me. I don't know how, but there's no other way out.

A few days before, I attempted suicide. It's been half a year since my last one. I've been self-harming a lot ever since, but I simply can't manage to kill myself. Indeed, I'm a cowardly person.

For the past three weeks, my suicidal thoughts were basically... overwhelming. It just felt like too much.

I thought to myself, if it's time for me to die, I might as well die. It really felt like the end.

It was painful. Extremely painful. At least, too much for me to take, though I might have a lower pain tolerance than average.

After messily bandaging myself, the first thing I felt was disappointment.

I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I was paralyzed. All I could hear were sounds of the world. Cars. Birds. People. Everything was so loud and so noisy.

I don't know how those noises disappeared in the end, but at some point I was finally able to calm down. I sat by my desk and tried to think. Thinking was one of my favorite things to do. I overthink sometimes, actually, but thinking helped me finding answers to my inner questions.

The scary thing was, I couldn't. I couldn't think.

Questions, a lot of them, one following another, piled up inside my mind, but I couldn't answer any of them. Not even the simplest-

"Why do you want to die? Why do you want to live? Aren't you just such a worthless human being? Why are you alive?"

I couldn't think.

They kept piling up, and up, and up.

Somehow that day ended, I survived through it. Somehow I survived through the last few days too.

My brain couldn't function. I'm practically living subconsciously, as I was before, but I no longer spend my "conscious" part looking for a solution. I don't know what I want at all. I don't know anything at all.

The pessimistic thoughts I used to have, I can't recall any of them. Though, the happy memories, too, don't seem to belong to me.

This is something way beyond what I've known.

I was scared.

I was scared. I tried to turn this into an opportunity for me to become happier, but obviously, I had no idea what I could do. Then, almost immediately, I wanted to go back to the way I was just before my suicide attempt. Suicidal, depressed, whatever. I wanted to return to it.

I listened to the music I listened to last week, reminded myself of the thoughts I had last week, talked about things I talked about last week.

It didn't work. It was as though my past self was completely... gone. And by completely I mean completely.

This feels like an... afterlife, I would say. I call this "afterlife syndrome" to make things make some sense.

This afterlife syndrome I talk about is something I imagine happens when one's brain is "overloaded" with thoughts and feelings that they feel they should die. However, they do not. They've reached the breaking point, but physically, they have not.

Their brain, naturally, assumes they have died. Therefore they may not be able to think properly and clearly.

Yes, that's all the remainder of my mind came up with.

Now, I'm definitely not a brain expert, but when something happens, we try to make sense of it. The above is what I've got.

Starting from Monday, I was forced back into reality again. I didn't - couldn't - really feel stressed as I usually would, but I did feel that there are too many expectations I haven't lived up to yet.

And bit by bit, the idea of suicide came back.

...

That's pretty much it.

I'm confused. I'm lost.

I would say I want to live and wish you can help me, but I can't exactly say that.

So, just for the blind hope that still lives within me, please, help.

Anyone.

3/29/2012

null.0124.93@gmail.com